it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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