P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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