i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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