Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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