dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Randomize
