I can't watch pbs sober anymore
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
