You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
