if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
