Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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