Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
