I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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