A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
