I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
