If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
