The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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