Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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