Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
