Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
