Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
