i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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