I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
