I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
