just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
