Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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