is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
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He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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