a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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