I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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