I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Randomize
