can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
