dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
