my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
