DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
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