If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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