my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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