After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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