but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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