I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
