Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
i've created a new STD.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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