Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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