How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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