Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You ruined the universe
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize