if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
