I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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