Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
