Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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