Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
