Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
