Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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