Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
should my penis look like a turkey
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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