My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
