I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
