By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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