Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
