sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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