Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
