true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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