we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
