Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
