you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
