Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
