they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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