and next time when you feel me up, do it right
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
she peed on how many people?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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